In the Darkest Night
by GraphXButterfly
Summary: After a very traumatic incident Kathryn falls into a deep depression, can the crew of voyager save their captain from herself? Complete!
1. The Rescue

In the Darkest Night

After a very traumatic incident Kathryn falls into a deep depression, can the crew of voyager save their captain from herself?

Rated M

Disclaimer: All Characters are owned by their respective parties, I'm just writing for entertainment, no infringement intended.

Chapter One: The Rescue

* * *

"Over here!" came the voice of B'Elanna, the captain had been missing for nearly three days, after being forced to transport to an alien vessel alone. Within moments of her transport, a dampening field went up, preventing Voyager from being able to pull their captain back. It had been three days, and they had tracked the ship to a remote planet. Inside a series of caves, the away team searched for Kathryn Janeway.

"What is it?" Chakotay asked coming around a large rock formation.

"I'm picking up human life signs, very faint" she stated kneeling down and pointing in the direction of a few more tunnels. B'Elanna looked toward Chakotay, "at least we know she's alive" she offered a smile.

Chakotay nodded, and the two of them made their way into the middle tunnel, her bio-signs were emanating from within. At the end of the tunnel, they found a series of what appeared to be cells, all were empty except one. "Captain" B'Elanna knelt just in front of a force field. Kathryn Janeway lay there near naked, most of her clothing tattered and torn, large cuts and burses could be seen over most of her body. B'Elanna quickly pulled out her phaser, and hit the control panel for the force field. Alarms began to sound.

Without hesitation, Chakotay had his jacket off, and covered her body with it. He then lifted her up, and the three of them proceeded to the mouth of the cave. They were nearly halfway to the entrance when a group of large grey men came round the corner, Chakotay ducked behind a rock formation, and B'Elanna took cover around the corner. A phaser fight ensued, and once all of the aliens were naturalized, the continued their journey.

Once outside, they hurried to the delta flyer, where Tom was waiting for them. He assisted Chakotay in bring Kathryn's limp body into the ship, and took off, fighting their way through several enemy vessels, before joining voyager. As soon as they were on board voyager jumped to high warp, getting as far away from the planet as they could as fast as they could.

In sickbay the doctor rushed to stabilize the captain's condition. She was deteriorating fast, she had extensive internal injuries, and more broken bones then he'd have guessed. The fact that she was still alive was an amazing show of will power and strength. Her heart rate began to falter, he pressed several hypo-sprays into her neck, and thankfully was rewarded by a slow steady pulse.

On the bridge, Chakotay was overseeing the repairs from the fire fight they had just been in, Voyager like her captain had suffered a fair amount of damage. He knew they needed to get the key systems back up and running quickly, they weren't out of hostile territory just yet, and the last thing then needed to do was sit there long enough for the enemy to catch up. Voyager needed to stop though, her damage was to extensive to try and repair while at warp, Harry came up with a plan to hide behind a magnetized moon, suggesting that the properties of the moon would help evade the sensors of the enemy. Chakotay nodded, and said, "Do it." Once voyager was safely behind the moon, Chakotay left Tuvok in charge, he wanted to know how she was doing.


	2. Waking Up

In the Darkest Night

After a very traumatic incident Kathryn falls into a deep depression, can the crew of voyager save their captain from herself?

Rated M

Disclaimer: All Characters are owned by their respective parties, I'm just writing for entertainment, no infringement intended.

Chapter Two: Waking Up

* * *

"How is she?" Chakotay asked no sooner then he appeared from behind the doors. He made his way to the doctor's side.

"I've stabilized her, but she's going to need extensive surgery to repair all of the damage that's been done to her." He stated running his tricorder over her body. He pressed the button on the surgical bed, and the ring formed around her. Chakotay just looked at her; she was almost unrecognizable, her face was swollen, her arms and legs were bloody and scabbed over. She looked very small, and very helpless.

Chakotay was lost in thought, and horror looking at what they'd done to her, when he suddenly became aware of the doctor saying something, "Commander, I'm going to need you to leave, we have a lot of work to do, and you'll only be in the way, I'll call you as soon as we're done." There wasn't any time for him to respond to what the doctor asked, when he found himself being lead out of sickbay by Tom.

Tom looked at him, "She'll be fine, I promise" with that he went back inside leaving Chakotay to just stare at the closed door.

Hours passed by, and the doctor was finishing up, he'd placed her in a hospital gown, and was braiding her hair back when the doors opened. "You're just in time, we're done" he said placing a band at the end of the braid. "I've managed to repair all of the damage, and she's resting comfortably." The doctor stated with a smile.

Chakotay nodded, "Can I sit with her?" he asked.

"Yes of course, she'll need a friendly face when she wakes up" he stated, just before he disappeared behind the doors to his office.

A few more hours passed, and soon she began to stir. "Doctor, she's waking up." The Doctor came around the corner with a tricorder in hand.

Slowly the sounds of beeping came to meet her ears, she swallowed and started opening her eyes, the room was bright and she closed them again for a moment, then she opened them once more. Her vision was blurry, but she could make out the form of two men, one in blue the other in red. With a few more blinks it started to clear and she then recognized who they were, and where she was. "Doctor" she stated, trying to sit up.

"Not so fast" he said laying her back down on the bed.

"What happened," she asked as she brought up her hand to her forehead, she had a nasty headache.

"You were captured, we rescued you… you were badly injured, but the doctor has managed to repair the damage" he smiled, taking her hand. Not too long after he'd told her what had happened, did the memories start to surface. She closed her eyes for a moment trying to push them back. "Hey, are you alright" Chakotay asked, in concern, he turned to look at the doctor who was once again scanning her.

She nodded, "yeah, I'm fine just tired." She lied, the memories were pretty painful, and she didn't want to talk about it at the moment.

"In that case I think we should let her get some rest" the doctor said eyeing Chakotay. He nodded, and gave her a hand a quick squeeze before he turned to leave. "Good night captain" the doctor stated, "we'll see about releasing you to your quarters in the morning if you're feeling alright" he too then turned and left disappearing into his office.

She turned onto her side; she slept more comfortably that way, as she closed her eyes a single tear ran down her cheek.


	3. Redundant Memories

In the Darkest Night

After a very traumatic incident Kathryn falls into a deep depression, can the crew of voyager save their captain from herself?

Rated M

Disclaimer: All Characters are owned by their respective parties, I'm just writing for entertainment, no infringement intended.

Chapter Three: Redundant Memories

* * *

Nearly a week had gone by since her rescue. She'd be release for active duty, but was finding it very difficult to concentrate on much of anything. Her nights were filled with dreams and memories, and her days were filled with much the same. Every time she had a moment of quiet, her mind would drift back to the cold dark cave, she'd hear the sounds of the guards as they taunted and teased her. She could hear the sounds of her own screams as they struck her. She could feel their hands all over her, as they…

She jumped when the sound of the chime filed the room. "Come in" she said, a hit of her distress still evident in her voice, she took note and forced herself to speak more calmly. "What can I do for you commander?" she asked.

"I wanted to bring by the status report for today" he stated pulling a padd from under his arm. "I also wanted to see how you were doing" he eyed her.

"I'm fine thank you very much commander" she took the padd the set back in her chair, she didn't want to talk about it, all she wanted to do was to be left alone. She noticed that he wasn't leaving. "Is there something else you wanted?"

"Actually, I was wondering if you'd like to join me in the mess later for dinner?" he was trying to help her out, he knew that she must have gone through a lot, and wanted her to feel like she was loved.

She decided it would be a bad idea to decline, he was already worried about her, and if she hoped to have any peace at all she would have to make some concessions. "I'd like that" she gave him a forced smile.

"Alright, I'll see you after our shift" he smiled at her then turned and left.

Once the doors closed, she placed her head in her arms on her desk, taking in a deep breath and released it quickly. That was really the last thing she wanted to do. She closed her eyes tightly, willing the memories to leave her.

The hours ticked by slowly, and nothing seemed to get done. The stack of padds that she had, were all pretty much in the same place. Standing she walked over to her viewport, she stood just starring out into space. She was lost deep in thought and didn't hear the chime ring.

Chakotay stood outside the ready room and rang the chime. He tried three times and when an answer still hadn't arrived he keyed in his override code. He entered into her ready room cautiously; he paused for a moment and spotted her looking out the view port. She seemed almost as if she were in a trance. Quietly he called out her name as he walked closer. When she didn't respond to him, he placed a hand on her shoulder.

Kathryn had her eyes closed, as she was trying to force the sounds out of her mind, she didn't hear anything, the battle within her mind was too strong. She felt a hand on her shoulder. A started scream emanated from her, and Chakotay felt her jump, she turned quickly a panicked expression playing on her features. It took her a moment to realize that it was Chakotay who'd touched her. Her hand came up to her forehead as she tried to catch her breath.

Chakotay looked at her, his concern was great. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, are you okay?" he asked placing his hands on her shoulders. He felt her tense up some more, and quickly let go.

After a few moments the panic began to subside, she was finally able to speak. "Sorry, I" she let out her breath, "I guess I haven't completely got over it yet" she sat down onto her couch, placing her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.

Carefully he sat down next to her, he managed to keep from reaching out to her to offer a comforting gesture for fear it would cause her more of a reaction. "Have you told the doctor about this?" he asked, he tried to look at her face.

She shook her head, "No, he'll likely hold me in sickbay for a while, and what I really need is to be out here" she stated, she turned to look at him, "I'll be okay, let's go and get something to eat" she gave him a halfhearted smile. She knew that if they didn't get out of there he'd keep pressing her, and she still was not ready to talk about what had happened to her. She also was sure she didn't want to have that conversation with him.

He studied her for a moment, and then offered a slight nod; "alright" he stood and held his hand out to her.

She cautiously took it; he helped her to her feet; then escorted her to the mess hall. Once inside the mess hall, he walked her to a table toward the back, where she could sit with her back against the wall. He figured that that might be more comforting to her, he left and collected two trays and returned with them. He placed hers down then set himself with the other tray down in front of her.

Throughout the meal, she barely picked at her food, taking a few small bites here in there. She was also very quiet. A few times he'd tired to strike up a conversation, but it seemed that her mind wondered quickly. "Do you want to talk?" he finally asked, breaking the silence.

She pushed at some beans on her plate with her fork, and shook her head. "No, I don't wish to talk" she set her fork down, and became defensive.

"I think you might feel better if you did, you went through a lot" he stated, trying to help her.

"No, I won't" she said, "What I want to do right now, is to go back to my quarters, and take a long hot bath, and get some sleep" she stood up, "I'll see you in the morning commander" with that she was gone, leaving Chakotay to only stair at the closed doors of the mess hall. He pushed his own plate away, and placed his arm on the table then his hand into it and let out a sigh of frustration.

Inside the safety of her quarters Kathryn broke down. She hadn't made it very far, once inside the doors, she leaned on the wall, her body slowly sank to the floor shuttering from tears that had been long overdue. After what seemed like ages the tears slowly subsided, she pulled herself up off the floor wincing in pain, then made her way to her bathroom. She drew a bath, and added some bubbles, hoping they would make her feel better, and climb in. She sank into the warmth of the water and laid her head back, she closed her eyes and fell asleep from sure exhaustion.

Her slumber was short lived, soon she was thrashing in the water, as she relived the ordeal; she startled herself awake, and looked over her hands and arms then brought them back up to her face. She took a deep breath, and willed herself to calm down again. She got out of the tub and donned her night gown, she ordered some warm milk, then attempted to go to sleep once more.


	4. Silent Scream

In the Darkest Night

After a very traumatic incident Kathryn falls into a deep depression, can the crew of voyager save their captain from herself?

Rated M

Disclaimer: All Characters are owned by their respective parties, I'm just writing for entertainment, no infringement intended.

Chapter Four: Silent Scream

- =/\= -

The next day went quite the same as the previous. Though in Chakotay's presence Kathryn tried to make it appear that nothing was wrong. She'd slept very little the night before, she'd tossed and turned the entire night, a couple of times waking in the middle of a night terror, only to find herself in her own bed, safe and sound. Knowing that he'd notice the bags under her eyes, she put on more makeup than usual; she also took extra care to make her hair look nicer to seem as if she'd spent a fair amount of time being concerned about her appearance.

She skipped breakfast, and made herself a nice extra strong cup of coffee. Once she was ready she left for the bridge. She forced herself to sit in the command chair for about an hour before retiring to wait out the shift in her ready room. She even managed to give a few nods and a forced smile to everyone on the bridge crew as she handed off the bridge.

The scene inside the ready room and when she was alone in her quarters was far different. She'd spend hours curled into a ball, the lights turned off. Her eyes would be tightly closed as she hugged her knees close to her. She didn't know what to do or how to handle the violation of her body. It was the second time in her life that she'd been through something like this, the first time was when she met Justin, if it hadn't been for him she probably wouldn't have gotten over it, but out here there was no one. She'd also gone through extensive counseling.

With the lack of a counselor the only person to talk to was the Doctor, but that really was the last person she felt comfortable talking too, actually he was the second to last person she'd want to talk too, the other sat on the bridge next to her day in and day out. She knew he wanted to help, to get her through the trauma of what had happened, but she just couldn't stand telling him everything that they'd done to her. She loved him, but couldn't tell him that she did, and it hurt her more the thought of him having to hear what they'd done to her than the acts themselves.

The shift ended, Kathryn waited until the senior officers had long since left and slowly and quietly made her way back to her quarters. She'd managed to avoid being spotted by anyone that would matter, or would try and 'help' her. Not that she didn't appreciate what they were trying to do, but she felt that they couldn't relate, and well she still wasn't ready at least that's what she kept telling herself.

The next few weeks progressed about the same, she'd managed to keep Chakotay and bay, he didn't suspect much of anything other than she was still a bit unsettled, but unsettled was a major understatement. She was withdrawn, and avoided contact with much of anyone, giving at least a bit of a show here and there by forcing herself to go to the mess hall, and staying on the bridge for a brief amount of time.

She was losing weight fairly quickly, but would don more makeup, and since she was also feeling colder these days she'd have a few layers under her uniform to help make her appear as if she hadn't lost too much. Though her resolve to pretend was narrowing, part of her wanted someone to intervene, the other part wanted to stay clear away from everyone.

Today she decided to try and distract herself from what was going on, she was feeling weak and somewhat sick, and decided that the holodeck might be good to maybe pick her spirits up. She found it to be terribly dissatisfying. The tranquil calm ocean just seemed to aggravate her mood, making her feel worse, it wasn't distracting enough. She decided to try a more exhilarating program, a rock climbing venture. It seemed to help some, but after her time was up she still felt empty. She made her way back to her quarters for yet another sleepless night.

When her wakeup call finally came she'd been up for hours. She sat in front of the viewport her body trembling, she could almost feel them touching her, she finally then decided what might be the only thing that might make her feel better. That was to face those that had hurt her directly, or as directly as she could.

She left for her shift about a half hour late, and for the first time in weeks, went straight to her ready room, she was tired of playing games, and could care less what the rest of the crew would think at that moment. She was tired, and worn out, she wasn't sure why she was doing what she was, but she just wanted all the torment to end, to be herself again. She hoped that by the end of the day she'd find that peace.

Chakotay and the rest of the crew had noticed the captain's absence and sudden disappearance; they were concerned, as much as she'd been trying to tell herself that they didn't realize that something wasn't right, she was wrong. Looks passed from one person to the other, but no one knew how to help her. The ones that cared for her the most were the most lost, they were the people that she was keeping at arm's length; the more they pushed the more she pushed back. Though they knew things were not right, they had no idea how bad things actually were.

Taking about enough of this from Kathryn, Chakotay stood and made his way to her ready room. He rang the chime and was met with silence. He tired a few more times, and looked around the rest of the crew had been watching him. Tuvok raised an eyebrow as Chakotay punched in his emergency override. The doors opened and he walked inside. To his surprise the ready room was empty. He looked on the coffee table to find her combadge. He'd really had enough of this, computer locate Captain Janeway's bio signs.

The computer's response surprised him even more, and it made him far more concerned then he'd previously been, "No Bio Signs on File"

He verbally responded to the computer, "What the hell?"

The computer than stated, "did not understand question please repeat"

He rolled his eyes and went out to the bridge, "Tuvok I need to speak with you in my office now. Tom you have the bridge." He made his way across the bridge and into his office with Tuvok in tow. Once in his office he tuned to the Vulcan office and motioned for him to wait a moment as he contacted the doctor. The Doctor responded, "I think we need to intervene with the captain that is after we find her."

Tuvok raised his eyebrow again, "Commander?"

The doctor looked very concerned, "Find her?" he sounded shocked at the same time.

"She's left her combadge in her ready room, and she has deleted her bio signs from the computer, I have a feeling that she's masking them as well so looking for unidentified signs probably isn't going to help." He stated, "I'd like to try and keep this hush hush between us, I don't want to worry the crew. I'll check her quarters, Tuvok I'd like you to look in the bows of the ship, she may just want to be alone, but I can't help but think there's more going on than that. Doctor think you can scout out the holodecks?" the doctor nodded. Chakotay nodded back and dismissed Tuvok to look in the lower decks; there were more than enough places on the ship to hide. Chakotay went in search for her himself, hoping that the rest of the crew wouldn't get wise to what was going on.

- =/\= -

Well it seems like I'm in a writing mood tonight, another updated story, hope you enjoy this chapter as well.


	5. Hide and Seek

In the Darkest Night

After a very traumatic incident Kathryn falls into a deep depression, can the crew of voyager save their captain from herself?

Rated M

Disclaimer: All Characters are owned by their respective parties, I'm just writing for entertainment, no infringement intended.

Chapter Five: Hide and Seek

- =/\= -

Part of her wanted to be found, the other part didn't. She'd intentionally made it harder for them to locate her, hiding her bio signs from the computer and of course making it appear as if she didn't exist. She was fairly sure no one would notice her absence for quite a while. She'd left not too long after she'd vanished into her ready room. She'd been working on a holo-program that would help her to face the demons that haunted her.

She'd taken extra precautions, she carefully removed the interface the that doctor had with the holodeck she was in; locked the doors with a captain's level security code; and erected a force field so no one could beam in, she wanted to face this completely alone, she needed to. Once the program started, she felt fear course through her body, it was the ship that had taken her. She watched as they tormented her. Tears flowed down her eyes; it was almost as hard to watch as it was to be in the middle of it. She took a deep breath as the program moved to the cave, "Computer Pause program."

She sank to the ground, starring at herself, "computer, remove Janeway character." She watched as she dematerialized. "Restart program, safeties off, only generate half the characters." When the program restarted, she became the focus of the men for the second time, though this time there were less of them, and she was prepared for them; she had the upper hand, at least for the moment.

- =/\= -

Chakotay had made it to Kathryn's quarters but found them to be empty, he was about to call Tuvok when his combadge rang. "Doctor to Commander Chakotay"

"Chakotay here, yes?" he was hoping that she'd been found safe and sound and that she hadn't done something stupid.

"I believe that I have found her, I am unable to interface with holodeck two."

"Alright thanks, I'll make my way over there now." Chakotay closed the link and made his way as quickly as he could; he called Tuvok and told him to meet him there.

Upon arriving at the holodeck it became clear that it was going to be rather difficult to gain entry, when the doors failed to open, he attempted to beam in. He looked at Tuvok, "this is a level nine seal, it's not going to be easy to break the code."

Tuvok nodded, after his security code failed to work.

Chakotay had to hand it to her, she'd thought of just about everything, this was either a major attempt at being alone and not bothered or a scream that she wants help and isn't willing to ask out right.

- =/\= -

Inside the holodeck Kathryn's battle continued. She'd managed to take out most of the men that had attacked her directly, though she still wasn't feeling much better. She'd been hit by one of their weapons once already in the side, just a graze, it hurt that's what she wanted to feel, have the conflict that's been in her head feel real.

She'd finally made it back to the cave that she'd been found in. "Computer pause" she took a deep breath emotions over coming her, she swallowed hard before she continued the program.

- =/\= -

Outside of the holodeck B'Elanna was now on the scene, they needed her to try and help short how the holodeck controls so that the force field would be lowered. This wasn't what she'd been expecting when they'd called her down there. She knew that Kathryn had been dealing with things, but had no idea she'd go this far, as to lock herself in the holodeck. She was very concerned as she worked franticly to short out the system.

Chakotay was very worried, he had no idea what type of program it was that she was running, he hoped that it was just something innocent, a getaway like a lake or something, but in the pit of his stomach he just knew it was not that.

"I think I've got it" B'Elanna stated, she'd been working for well over an hour.

"Anytime you're ready" he stated, and prepared himself to go in.

B'Elanna hit the switch and the power to the whole section went down, he forced the doors apart and went inside.

- =/\= -

Kathryn was finally about to take out the man that had done her the most harm, the prison guard. She approached him with her weapon drawn. Just as she was about to fire it, one of the aliens that she'd thought she'd killed grabbed his weapon and discharged it, it hit her in the left shoulder, knocking her unconscious, the man that had done the most attacking grabbed the weapon she had and was about ready to kill her when the program shut down.

- =/\= -

Chakotay was the first one in followed by B'Elanna and then Tuvok. At first he didn't see her being that it was dark, but soon his flashlight fell on her still form. He ran over to her, B'Elanna happened to have a tricorder, "she's got plasma burns, it looks like she's been hit with a plasma weapon."

"Get her to sickbay now, and I want to know what the hell kind of program she was running in here" he stated, knowing that that more than likely wasn't going to be any easier then getting in there was.

The doctor went straight to work as soon as she materialized. Alarms were sounding wildly. She was in far worse condition then he thought she'd be in, when he'd heard what was going on, he thought that they most they'd do was find her upset but otherwise alright, now there was yet another battle for her life going on.

Chakotay had come into sickbay followed by B'Elanna and Tuvok, the would go about figuring out just what she was doing after they knew she was safe and sound. Chakotay went into the Doctor's office, he was pacing, B'Elanna came in behind him, he was angry at just about everything, why had it gotten this bad, how could he have not know that she was in that much distress. He looked at B'Elanna nearly in tears, "How could she be so reckless" he was almost yelling.

"I don't know" she was scared.

Chakotay sat in the Doctor's chair, "how come I didn't see this coming?"

B'Elanna knelt next to him, "Chak, none of us did, I knew she wasn't right ever since the incident, but I had no idea it was this bad."

"I sit next to her every day, how could I not have seen it, why didn't I push harder for her to talk to me?"

The young woman looked at him, "Because she didn't want you to know, she didn't want anyone to know, she's stubborn, when she has her mind made up it's hard to change it, she probably has herself convinced she can't talk to any of us, because she's the captain, because she's hurt, because she thinks we'll think less of her, or it will hurt to much, who knows why, but out of 150 some people, no one predicted that she'd behave like this, not a soul, you can't go blaming yourself."

"I know it's just, if I could have" his train of thought was broken by the sound of the doctor.

She stable, I'm going to need to repair some damage to her heart, but she should be alright" He looked just as disturbed by the events as everyone else in the room, he too was thinking that he should have known it was leading up to something like this, but even the well trained doctor had no idea.

B'Elanna and Chakotay asked in unison "Can I see her?"

The doctor nodded, only for a moment, I have her sedated, I'm sure she isn't going to react well when she finds out what happened, and I don't want to stress her heart. They nodded and left for her bedside.

After a while the doctor kicked everyone out, and B'Elanna and Tuvok went about looking into what she was actually doing on the holodeck leading up to her being found. The doctor went about repairing her heart, and knew that the next day when he woke her up was going to be one hell of a roller coaster ride.


	6. Handle with Care

In the Darkest Night

After a very traumatic incident Kathryn falls into a deep depression, can the crew of voyager save their captain from herself?

Rated M

Disclaimer: All Characters are owned by their respective parties, I'm just writing for entertainment, no infringement intended.

Chapter Six: Handle with Care

- =/\= -

The surgery the doctor preformed on the captain to repair the damage from her heart went smoothly, no complications. He was doing some deep level scans to assure that she was going to be healthy, physically anyway. Mentally he wasn't sure, she'd put herself into a very dangerous situation that had nearly gotten her killed, what that situation was, was still unknown.

As he scanned her sleeping form, he noticed something odd come across the tricorder, it only took him moments to figure out what the strange reading was, he closed his eyes, it was the last thing he wanted to discover, and was a bit shocked that he hadn't discovered it sooner. Sighing the Doctor closed his tricorder, tomorrow's waking of her was going to be hard enough, to tell her this was going to be even more difficult. For now he'd let her sleep.

- =/\= -

The ship was small, and it didn't take long for most of the crew to figure out what had transpired the day before. There were a lot of questions, and not very many answers. B'Elanna had worked most of the night just to get the holodeck back up and running, let alone try and recover the program the Captain had been using. Tom had come to help, being that programming holodeck programs were one of his strong suits. The senior officers had been officially briefed and the junior officers' well they were left to formulate their own opinions.

Kneeling on the ground in front of the access panel to the hologrid B'Elanna worked feverishly trying to get the grid to recover. Tom stood trying a few tricks of his own. The doors opened as Chakotay walked in. "How are things going?" he asked.

In a huff B'Elanna spoke, "My little overload fried the circuits; I have to bypass most of them." She was upset; she was an engineer and didn't like intentionally braking things.

Tom smiled; "I think I found the program in the memory core, I think I can run it as soon as you're done" he looked down at the half Klingon.

She looked up at the helmsmen, "I just bypassed the last one give it a shot."

Tom nodded, as B'Elanna stood up, Chakotay moved closer preparing himself to see what she was doing. "Computer activate program" he stated. The scene that met their eyes wasn't anything like they'd been expecting. They found themselves in the middle of large George in a yacht. The three looked around at each other, and it was Tom that spoke. "I don't think this was what she was doing."

Chakotay sighed, thinking 'damn it Kathryn' he looked at Tom, "she sure is making it difficult to find out what she's been up too, try to see if you can find the real program, I'll be in sickbay." Chakotay turned and left, the other two could tell that he was really angry at everything.

Tom looked at B'Elanna, "I don't understand it shows that this was the last program run, and it has the right time index."

The woman looked over the time index and the information, as far as she could tell he was right. "This doesn't make any sense, I doubt she would have gotten plasma burns out here, there has to be more." She knelt back down, "I'll see if I may have crossed something. You look and see if there is more than meets the eye."

Tom nodded and then proceeded to attempt to open the programming information, only to find that there were several lines of security codes. This was going to take a while.

- =/\= -

In sickbay the doctor was reluctant to wake the Captain up. He knew that she was going ot angry at the fact she'd been caught, and what he had to tell her wasn't going to make the anger she was going to feel any better. He looked up from the consol in the middle of sickbay as the doors opened. It was the commander. Before he asked the doctor stated, "She's fine, everything went well."

That's what the Chakotay wanted to hear, "has she been awake yet?" was his first spoken question.

"No, not yet," the Doctor looked at him, "Honestly I'm not sure if I'm ready to wake her or not.

Chakotay felt much the same; he had been preparing himself all morning for this, "I want to be there when she does."

Looking at him the Doctor stated, "I'm not sure that is such a good idea, she's liable to lash out and blame the first person she sees. More than likely she's going to be irrational, I think it may be best if you came to her after when she's had a bit of time to calm down. I'm a hologram her being angry with me won't have nearly the same effect as it might have on you." He was pretty adamant about his views.

"I just want to help her," Chakotay stated.

"I know, I think the best way you can help her is to give her some space, it's going to be really difficult for her. After all she has been caught with her hand in the preverbal cookie jar." The Doctor drove in a good point.

Chakotay sighed, "Alright."

"I'll let you know when to come in, but I think she needs to be alone when she wakes up." There was more than one reason he didn't him to be there when she woke up, for one if he wanted to help she'd best not think he was the one that caught her for two there was something he needed to discuss with her alone.

Nodding Chakotay left his heart heavy, this was almost more then he could handle, it was bad enough she was in such pain, but for him to just have to sit by and do nothing that was what was the most painful. He decided to return to his quarters and talk to his sprit guide; perhaps she would be of some help.

After Chakotay left the Doctor made one lest preparation to wake the captain up, he pressed a hypo spray into her neck then backed away toward the consol keeping an eye on her bio-signs from there. He knew he didn't want to make her feel threatened.

Kathryn slowly opened her eyes; it only took her the briefest of moments to realize where she was. 'Damn' was the first words she thought, she looked around her and there was no one standing next to her. It was quiet aside from the sounds of the monitors. She slowly sat up looking to see where the Doctor was. When she saw him she looked away.

He saw her face briefly, she was upset but not as much as he'd thought she'd be. "Captain" he stated hoping that she'd look too him once more. She didn't turn back toward him but she did respond.

"Yes?" it was a quick answer almost unintelligible.

He cautiously moved closer to her, "how are you feeling?"

"Fine" she stated, looking at her hands, "what happened?" she asked not really wanting to know how much he knew but needing to know.

He was standing next to her about two feet away, "I was hoping you could tell me?" She didn't speak, only continued to look toward the ground. "Captain," he paused, "I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong, no one can." The Doctor's voice was different, it was much kinder then he normally spoke.

She didn't know what to say, or even what to do; she only looked back toward the wall of sickbay. This is what she wanted to be caught, to be forced into a position to where she had to ask for help, but now she didn't know what to do. She needed to vent to rant to rave but she couldn't find the energy. It was almost as if she'd lost herself on that moon in those caves. She was a shell nothing more, at least that is how she felt.

If the Doctor had a heart it would have broken ten times over, "Captain" he stepped closer, "Please, let me know what's going on, let someone."

She looked toward him, her face haunted, tears trying to spill over. He'd never seen her like this, this was a woman that had faced so many things, been on deaths door so many times, he'd never seen her so vulnerable, of course this was the first time such an incident as the one she'd faced had happened to her in his care. He'd had access to her medical records, he knew of the Cardassian one.

He decided that he needed to tell her what he'd found out, even though she wasn't responding to him, it might make things easier for her to talk to him, though the news was going to be very difficult for her to hear. "Captain, I know most of everything that they did, that it was far more than a physical violation." He placed his hand on her shoulder, "and you're going to have to deal with it soon, and let people know, you're going to have to face what they did, and admit that it happened, if not you're going to be in for a very rough road over the next ten months or so." He swallowed not sure if she'd get his message.

She'd been starring off barely listening to what he was saying. He knew that he'd have known what they'd done, after all he was the one that put her back together, but ti was his last sentence that caught her off guard. She looked at him, unsure if he was meaning what she was praying he wasn't.

He'd gotten her attention, now to confirm what he'd said. "After I repaired your heart I took some deep level scans, to make sure that you were physically okay, and I came across this. He handed her the Padd with the information on it."

Her breath caught in her throat, she then tossed the padd across the room with a shriek "No" she closed her eyes, she was angry. She pushed herself off the bed, "No" she said again, as she moved away from the doctor, "it's wrong" tears were falling down her face, she'd backed into the wall and sank down, "it's wrong" she curled into a ball, "it has to be." She was sobbing heavily, the first real sign of emotion about the whole thing the Doctor had seen in her. She was shaking her head her body convulsing with the tears, repeating over and over the word "no."

The Doctor moved over to her and sat down, he made a first attempt to pull her to him, only to be met with her pulling away and hitting at him. The second time he was more forceful, she gave in he held her rocking her as she cried, an almost human reaction for the Doctor. He said nothing just held her not as his captain but as a friend, a friend to someone in desperate need of one.

She cried for what seemed like days, she finally stopped, every bit of energy sapped from her. The doctor pulled back away from the woman, she curled back into a ball. He actually wasn't sure what to say he'd never seen such strong emotion coming from her, but was glad that it did, at least she was venting some.

She was shocked that she'd let herself fall completely apart, in front of the Doctor no less. What she did next surprised them both, "I'm sorry" she apologized.

"Don't be" he responded, she looked up, he'd stood already. She reached her hand up to him. He helped pull her off the ground. "How about we discuss this in my office over some coffee?" He asked.

She nodded and followed him into his office she sat in the chair across from the doctors her arms held close to her body, she was very uncaptain like unsettling to say the least. "Thank you" she said as he handed her the warm cup. He sat down and she looked into his face, "I don't even know where to start." Her eyes moved toward the cup she was holding.

"How about the holodeck?"

- =/\= -

Unaware of the breakthrough in sickbay, Chakotay paced back and forth in his quarters, his quest had been less then helpful at least he felt that it had. He was scared, and the doctor had not contacted him, and neither had Tom or B'Elanna which meant they were no closer to figuring out what she had been doing. He decided to make his way back to the Holodeck to see if he could be of assistance.

He got there just in time to hear Tom, "Here it is she encoded it to bring this up if it was someone other than herself activating the program."

Chakotay startled the young man when he spoke, "Can you activate the original?"

B'Elanna looked up at the two men as Tom spoke again. "I believe I can." He then pressed a few more buttons and the scene changed from the tranquil lake to the cold dark cave they'd found her in. The program was paused but it was quite obvious what it was.

The three of them looked back and forth to each other. No one spoke; they'd figured out what she was doing, she'd been attempting to relive what had happened to her. The question still remained as to why.

Chakotay was sickened, by the sights of the holodeck. The other two officers were just as disturbed. Thankfully it wasn't running of the three of them would have known far more then Kathryn had ever intended for them to know.

"Computer close program" Chakotay stated his own set of memories to great to continue looking at the place they'd saved her from.

"I don't get it" Tom whispered under his breath.

"I don't think we will until she tells us" B'Elanna said.

Chakotay turned not wanting the other two to see his pain, "I'll let the doctor know what we found, maybe it will help him help her." With that he was gone, leaving the other two to digest what they'd seen.

- =/\= -

Chakotay entered sickbay he was surprised to see that the bio bed was empty, he looked around and saw the form of Kathryn sitting in the doctor's office; she was talking with him. Not wanting to disturb her and make her uncomfortable he simply called out for the doctor loud enough to be heard. She stopped and turned to see Chakotay.

She'd had a bad enough day as it was and didn't want to see him. The Doctor excused himself as she just remained seated. She had turned away from where Chakotay was standing and was staring at the back wall she felt, ashamed, frightened, and unsure.

"Yes, what is it Commander?" he asked, he looked back toward the woman sitting in his office.

"We got the program up and running," he paused, "she'd programmed them" he said not wanting actually say it.

The Doctor nodded, "I know, thank you for telling me, she, well I for the moment have her talking. I don't think it'd be a good idea to let her know that you know just yet, she's really shaken, and I think she needs to be handled with velvet gloves for a bit."

Chakotay nodded, hurt that she was confiding in the doctor and not him, but at least she was talking to someone. "I understand, I'll let Tom and B'Elanna know not to discuss anything about what we found."

"That would be wise, now if you'll excuse me'' he motioned his head back toward her.

"Yes of course" Chakotay left hoping that he'd soon get to see her.

The Doctor returned to his office and before she asked he supplied an answer, "He wanted to see how you were doing"

She just nodded, then looked at him, "I think I'm done for today."

He nodded back to her, perhaps you should rest; we'll both be here later"

She didn't respond to him but merely made her way back to the biobed and lay down, he starred at the celing for what seemed like ages before some time falling to sleep, her thoughts were on everything that had happened over the couple of months.


	7. Hold Me

Chapter Seven: Hold Me

-=/\=-

The room was dark, that's how she wanted it. The Doctor had at least released her to her quarters, with strict orders not to work, and to most certainly not go back to the holodeck. She'd told him only as much as she knew would make him feel like she'd been facing what she'd gone though. The truth was at the moment she was angry; angry at the Caretaker for bring them to the Delta Quadrant, angry at herself for destroying the array, at the men that had attacked her, at Chakotay and her other crew members for caring so much about her and not leaving her alone, and most of all she was angry and the life that was growing inside her.

She didn't want to be pregnant, especially not the way she'd become pregnant. She was also angry because she knew that she couldn't kill it. Nothing, no matter how she'd become pregnant could make her take an innocent life, she wished that she could push away the moral implications that terminating the life growing inside her would bring to her mentally.

What made things worse, was the fact that her pregnancy was going to last even longer than a typical human pregnancy. This infuriated her; she wished if it had to happen, the least it could have been was a species with a shorter gestational period. She placed the cup that she'd been drinking down on the coffee table. As much as she wanted to ignore the fact she was pregnant she couldn't, she hated the child inside her but at the same time in a strange way she loved it. It was still part of her. She stood and walked to the viewport, 'how'd things get to this point' is what she thought as she looked at her reflection in the window.

-=/\=-

He was pacing back and forth; he knew that she was just next door. He wanted to just run in there and take her into his arms, make all the hurt go away, but he'd been told to give her some time, to give her some space, but he just couldn't stand it. He sighed and tried to meditate it was to no avail. He turned on his heal and decided to ignore everything that the Doctor and B'Elanna had told him and went to her quarters.

-=/\=-

She closed her eyes when she heard her chime ring, she didn't want to be bothered. She decided to ignore it; maybe they'd still assume that she was in sickbay. This of course wasn't the case and she really did know otherwise she was just hoping. The chime rang several times before the doors just opened.

She knew exactly who it was; there was only one person that would purposefully break into her quarters. She heard him call her name, but just continued to look out the window. She knew ignoring him wouldn't make him go away, but she could still try, it was also an attempt to let him know she wasn't in the mood in the least to have him there.

"Kathryn?" he asked, he was now standing just behind her, and was on the receiving end of one major could shoulder. His heart was sad and he felt sick, "please, I just want to help." He walked closer to her and placed his hand on her shoulder.

Her heart started racing when she was touched, she quickly side stepped away from him recoiling to the other side of the room. It was an involuntary reaction, she knew that it was only him, but the image of the prison guard flashed into her mind when he'd touched her. She stood facing him, arms against the edge of the viewport. The look on her face said everything she was terrified, and though she was looking at him, he knew that she wasn't seeing him.

He looked down then back up to her, "I'm sorry, I" he paused as she slowly sank to the floor. He knelt down in front of her, "you want to talk about it?" he asked again.

She looked up her hair falling into her face, she'd worn it down and her curls framed her chin, she looked very fragile as she looked up at him. "I can't" she looked away and back out to the stars. She could feel her eyes stinging and her throat growing tight once more.

"You can't, can't what," he reached out to her taking her hand into his carefully, he felt her tense up but he continued to hold it, he gave her a gentle squeeze to try and reassure her.

"I just can't tell you," she pulled her hand away and stood quickly, she made some distance between them. "Chakotay, can't you just leave me alone." She was crying.

"I can't leave you alone, because I care about you and you need someone, you need help, and no one on this ship knows how to help you because we don't even know for sure what it is that is bothering you." He'd closed the distance between them, he was angry too, not at her just at everything else, at the people that had hurt her and the fact that she wasn't allowing anyone to help her out.

There weren't very many places for her to go in her quarters, so she just continued to try and circle the room keeping him at arms length. "Just leave me alone, get out of my quarters." She yelled.

He knew what she was doing, she was frightened and didn't want to face what had really happened so she was making a show, it was a lot like a small frightened dog that lashes out and bites not out of anger or aggression but merely because it's terrified. "I'm not going to leave until you talk to me" He stated.

"I'll lock you in the brig if you don't." she hissed, she was trying to figure out the best way to defuse the situation so she could go back to having some peace and quiet.

"I don't think you will, I know you want to talk, you just are denying that you do because you don't want to face it, that it's too painful for you too, but know what you're not going to get any better and you're not doing yourself any favors by pushing everyone that loves you away." He'd managed to close the gap between them and she was backed into a corner.

Her heart was racing as she found that she had nowhere to go. He was so close to her and was not going to back down. She was becoming more and more terrified, she swallowed hard, "please don't" she said in a much less harsh tone; tears flowed from her cheeks.

"Don't what Kathryn?" he asked. He wasn't quite sure why he was being so forceful, but something in his heart told him that he needed too.

She started breathing heavily trying to gain some kind of composure, "don't make me tell you." The pain on her face as she cried broke his heart. He could see that she was gripping the edge of the wall so tightly that her knuckles were turning white. He was so close to her that she could feel his breathing on her face; he was looking down at her.

"Why?" he asked, he could feel that she might be about ready to give in.

Her tears stopped as she looked up into his eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it. She took a deep breath and squared herself, "because I love you, and I don't think I can take the pain it'll cause you to know." She cried out, she stopped and her hands came up to her mouth, she couldn't believe that she'd just said that.

His resolve broke completely at what she said, he took her hands away from her face, and was surprised that she didn't' tense up. "Kathryn?" he searched her eyes that were trying to avoid his. His face softened, "I love you too, but you not telling me, is hurting me greatly." He said he'd started moving backwards towards the couch. He sat down and guided her next to him. She was quiet still shocked that she'd just admitted what she had. He was still holding onto her wrists afraid that if he let go she'd run away from him. "I know it's going to be difficult, but I think it'll heal both of us if you let me know what happened." His eyes were pleading with hers.

"I don't know how." She finally whispered. She hadn't ever been in quite this situation, it'd been much different with Justin, he'd known everything that had happened to her, and had been there from the beginning, their love grew from the incident, and they'd been strangers before that, strangers until he'd rescued her. But, this was completely different.

He released one of her wrists and placed his hand gently on the side for her face wiping away a tear that'd fallen down her cheek with his thumb. "I think you do, listen to what this says." He placed his finger on her left chest just above where her combadge was.

She looked down deep in thought trying to figure out what to say. The unsettled feeling in the pit of her stomach had started to grow. She looked up and was about to say something when she closed her eyes quickly. She swallowed hard then looked Chakotay straight in the eyes, she went to stand but found his hand still on her left wrist, "let go please." There was a look of panic and urgency on her face and in her voice, he let go of her and watched her quickly traverse though her living area to her bedroom and soon heard the sounds of someone getting sick.

He was now very worried about her, it was obvious that she hadn't been taking care of herself, and he wondered if it finally caught up to her and made her sick. He watched for her to return and after several minutes of silence she finally came back out. She huffed down into the chair that sat in front of her couch. She looked at Chakotay the sadness dancing all around her features. She then looked down feeling ashamed at what had just happened. "Sorry" she whispered.

He'd moved off the couch and knelt down in front of her in the chair. He lifted her face to look her in the eyes, "sorry for what?"

She wished he'd stop doing that, "I'm sorry for what I'm about to tell you." Her words were almost impossible to hear.

"Kathryn are you sick?" he asked her wondering if she'd caught something from the bastards that had taken her.

She shook her head still not looking at him, "something worse," she whispered, "I'm pregnant."

He had to strain to hear what she'd said last as her voice trailed off; he'd only barely managed to read what she'd said on her lips. The reality of _everything _that she'd gone through hit him, which was why she'd taken this attack so much harder than any of the others. It hadn't just been a physical violation to her, but it had been a sexual one, attacking the most personal part of her being. That was why she couldn't tell him.

True he was angry he was damn angry but that wouldn't change things any. They were far away from where the attack had happened and there wasn't much he could do about them now. Placed both hands on her face and made her look at him, "I'm so very sorry." His words were so kind and so calm. The pain was evident in his eyes but he didn't show it any other way. He then dropped his hands down from her cheeks and wrapped them around her shoulders.

She fell into his embrace, she needed to feel safe, and protected. "Chakotay, I'm…" she lost her train of thought as she started crying.

"Shh," he whispered, "it's alright, nothing's going to hurt you anymore." He'd pulled her all the way to him, holding her body as close as he could to her in a very protective hug. He had his right hand on the small of her back and his left in her hair, "I promise I'll try to keep you safe from now on."

She rested her head on his shoulder her arms clinching tightly around his shoulders. Her body shook as she cried, she was unable to speak. For now she'd just let him hold her, for the first time since the incident she did feel safe and loved.


	8. Facing Reality

Chapter Eight: Facing Reality

-=/\=-

When she awoke she was disoriented, she sat up and looked around it only took her a moment to realize that she was in her bed. She stilled for a moment trying to figure out how she'd gotten there. She took a deep breath her stomach was unsettled and the reason why registered and made her feel worse. Her nose wrinkled at the thought. She stood up on shaky legs, she felt week and tried but needed to see if he was still in her quarters. The last thing that she could remember was crying in his arms after she'd told him that she was pregnant with the spawn of the beasts that had taken her.

"Chakotay?" she called out, her voice was shaky. She had no idea what time it was, was it the next day or was it still the night. She leaned against the doorway to her room as she peered into the living area. He was lying down asleep on her couch. She smiled slightly, always the gentlemen, he must have tucked her in at some point but felt it was rude to leave or to lie in her bed. "Chakotay" she called out a little louder, she didn't have much energy to move from where she stood.

"Humm?" he asked groggily as he opened his eyes, it took him a moment to figure out where he was and why he was there. He quickly sat up and looked in the direction of the voice he'd heard. His eyes focused on the small form in the door way. "Kathryn," he said as he stood walking over to her.

She pressed herself off the door way to walk closer to him, suddenly needing to feel the safety of his embrace, but when she went to take a step she found her legs to be nothing more than jelly and stumbled. He caught her just before she hit the ground. She quickly tired to stand herself back up, "I'm alright" she said trying to ease his worry.

"No you're not." He stated as he took her entire weight into his arms and quickly carried her to the couch.

She sighed, "I just haven't eaten anything in a while." She finally admitted. She looked down at her hands and moved her head aside when she felt him try to soothe some of her hair behind her ear. She wanted him to touch her and hold her but at the same time her body would instinctively recoil at the slightest touch.

He sighed and lowered his hand, he looked her over, "computer lights fifty percent," he called. The room became brighter and it was obvious how much of a toll she'd paid physically. Without makeup on or layers of clothing she looked gaunt and almost emaciated. "When was the last time you did eat?" he questioned her.

She looked away from him; "I don't remember, the Doctor gave me some nutrients when I was in sickbay, but…" she stopped.

"Alright, I think the first thing is something for you to eat," he stood he was going to take care of her weather she wanted him too or not. He made his way across the living room and into her dining area.

"I'm not really hungry," she stated starring after him. She wasn't in the mood to eat, she knew she should but she didn't want to.

"You're eating if you are hungry or not," he called back out to her; he emerged just a few minutes later with a couple of bowls. He handed her one.

Her nose curled as she looked at it she swallowed hard once more. "I don't think I can eat." She stated looking at him. The feeling in her stomach was making even the thought of picking up the spoon of oatmeal and putting it in her mouth impossible. She quickly placed the bowl down and looked away from it.

He sighed, "Kathryn, not eating isn't going to help you any." He placed his own bowl down, "come on just a little bit for me?" he asked he was thinking that she didn't want to eat it because of how depressed she felt.

She looked back at him, "I can't." she took a deep breath as she tried to force herself to feel better. She tried to get up; "I'm" she fell back on to the couch, "I think I'm going to be sick." She stated, just moments before her body racked with dry heaves. There wasn't anything in her stomach for it to expel.

Chakotay quickly took her by the shoulders and helped her to stand; he helped her into the bathroom. She sank to the floor when he released her. He held onto her shoulders as the sickness washed over her. Though her body tired it's hardest there just wasn't anything there. After about five minutes of her body convulsing she leaned back against him. She was exhausted. He just held onto her holding her to him.

After a few more minutes of silence she spoke, it was only a whisper and her eyes remained closed as she leaned on him for support. "I'm sorry, I" she stopped lost for what she was trying to say.

"Shh, I know" he said running his hand through her hair. "I know, and you can't help it. I do think that we need to at least get you to sickbay, you're obviously are too weak to even stand on your own." He stated as he lifted her up.

She nuzzled into his neck she didn't really want to go back to see the Doctor already, but he was right. She felt herself being lowered to the bed; she didn't even have the energy at the moment to protest. She heard him call for a site to site, and soon the darkness of her room was replaced by the bright lights of sickbay.

-=/\=-

The Doctor came out of his office when he heard the whine of the transporter. He grabbed his tricorder and was over scanning her within seconds of their arrival. "What seems to be the problem?" he asked hoping that she hadn't done anything stupid again.

"Well we were going to eat breakfast, because she hasn't had anything to eat in only the spirits know how long, but just the sight of it well, let's just say we didn't get to the eating part." He looked down at her.

She'd turned her head and opened her eyes to look at him, "please stop mentioning food."

"I see," the Doctor stated, it wasn't surprising that she wasn't in the mood to eat, her body was trying to adjust to the fact it was pregnant, and from what he could tell, and the two species were only somewhat compatible. He grabbed for a hypo spray and injected it into her neck.

Chakotay watched her sigh; she'd rested her head back into a relaxed position. She took a moment to take several breaths; she then opened her eyes as the back flips in her stomach ceased. She pushed herself up slowly as she was still very shaky. "Thank you Doctor, that's much better." she tried to smile at him but couldn't.

He nodded and grabbed another hypo, he pressed that one to her neck too, "that should help give you an energy boost, it's not exactly a substitute to eating but it'll at least get you back up on your feet. I would, now that you shouldn't be feeling nauseous, like you to get a square meal in." he stated looking at her and then Chakotay, he nodded. He then asked if he could be alone with her for a moment.

Chakotay didn't want to leave her side but she nodded letting him know that she wanted to talk with the Doctor alone. He excused himself, "Call me when you're done." He said looking at her, she nodded.

Once he was out of the room she turned her attention back to the Doctor, she waited for him to say what he wanted to talk to her about. "How are you feeling otherwise?" he asked.

She took a deep breath, looked down then back up, "I think, I'm doing better." she said looking him in the eyes, "I had some sense knocked into me last night." She stated looking towards the doors that Chakotay had just left through. She turned her attention back to the Doctor; her hands were clasped and moving subconsciously against each other. "It's going to take a while, but I think I'm ready to deal with it." She offered a cautious smile.

The Doctor smiled, "I'm glad to hear that, I'm also glad to see that you're not pushing him away, he wanted so much to help you out."

She looked back towards the door, "I know, that was the problem." She sighed. She felt uncomfortable all of the sudden and decided that it was time for her to take her leave. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, she looked back at the Doctor, "Well I think whatever it was that you gave me is working." She slowly pushed herself off the biobed, "I think I'm ready to go and eat something."

He nodded, he knew what she was doing she'd had enough of being in there, but at least for the moment she was working things out, but really only time would tell if she'd recover fully from her ordeal. He paused her one last time, "Captain," he'd placed his hand on her arm, she stiffened slightly at the unannounced touch but quickly relaxed, "have you thought more on what I said about?" he just simply motioned to her stomach.

She sighed and looked down, that was a conversation that she still wasn't ready herself to have, "We have a couple more weeks, I'll let you know then, I think I need to talk to someone about it." She looked back up and gave him a half hearted smile, "now if you'll excuse me?"

He nodded and let her pass, she was right there was still some time to make the decision about what to do with the life growing inside her. She had thought she'd made up her mind about it, but the look of horror, disgust, and pain in his eyes made her decided that there was someone else that needed to have an opinion about her situation. There was also the implications all the way around if she were to carry it to term, in the Alpha Quadrant she could just simply put it up for adoption and never have to see it again, but out here on the ship that wasn't the case. She brushed the thought away as she left the doors to sickbay.

-=/\=-

Chakotay looked up when he'd heard the doors open, he'd expected to have her call him to come and get her not just walk out on her own. "Kathryn?" he asked.

She paused just on the other side of the doors and leaned against the wall, she took several deep breaths. She looked up when she heard him approach her, "you were just waiting out here?"

He shrugged, "I guess, I was waiting in case you needed me to save you from him." He was trying to lighten the mood.

She smiled warily, "I'm actually feeling hungry now." She said in a low tone.

"Well there's the oatmeal in your quarters, my quarters, or the mess hall." He paused letting her decided where they were going to go.

She thought for a moment and decided, "I think after everything that's happened I should perhaps ease the crews mind a little, we can try the mess." She stated, she was suddenly finding that instead of being alone she wanted to be surrounded by the people she knew. I guess it just took someone not backing down to make her see what she was doing to herself and the others. He nodded and offered her his arm; she accepted it and made their way to get breakfast.

-=/\=-

Harry was the first to spot them; he nudged Tom who'd been in conversation with B'Elanna. They hadn't seen her since the holodeck incident and were pleased to see that she'd made a public appearance. The smiled too her as she walked by them. She paused momentarily at the table and asked them how they were doing. The answers from all there were "we're fine" then B'Elanna dared to ask. "How are you?"

She thought for a moment and smiled softly too her, "Better thank you." She was pleased when the three of them smiled, she nodded and made her way to the table Chakotay escorted her too, he grabbed their trays and sat down to eat. The sat in silence, he didn't want to push her and she was content just to have his prescience with her.

Tom leaned back in his chair, "glad to see the big guy coxed her out of her quarters."

B'Elanna nodded as she placed her fork down, "me too, I was beginning to get really concerned." She stated she looked to Harry; he hadn't been there with them for any of what had happened, all his knowledge had been second hand.

"I'm just glad to see her." He smiled. The all nodded and went back to their meals.

-=/\=-

Another week and passed and the Doctor had finally let her back on light duty. She was progressing with her treatment and was making regular visits to talk with the Doctor. Chakotay was with her almost round the clock; he only retired to sleep in his quarters. Though she'd told him that she loved him he hadn't pushed her. He hadn't even asked for her to kiss him. And, the few nights that he'd slept in her quarters he'd taken up a position on the couch. The nightmares were becoming more scares and she was actually starting to eat. Her body condition had improved as well and it seemed like her body was getting used to the other inhabitant. Though, she still had to make the decision, if she didn't make it soon she'd have no choice.

She decided now was as good of time as any to talk with him about it. "Janeway to Chakotay, could you please come see me?" She'd managed to keep her emotions out of her voice and she sounded very captain like.

"I'm on my way," his voice filled the room.

It was only moments later and he was standing in the ready room. She placed the padd down on the desk and looked up at him. "There's something that I need to discuss with you, it's really important, and the decision needs to be made within this week."

He furrowed his brow as he followed her to the couch. He sat down when she did, "alright? What is it?" he asked.

She swallowed as she stilled herself to tell him, "well, you already know about my," she took a breath, "condition." He nodded not sure if he liked where this was leading. "And, well, the Doctor says that, it's not too late to terminate it." She finally blurted out.

He looked at her not sure why exactly she was telling him this. "Are you thinking about termination?" he asked trying do judge her position.

Her own brow furrowed, "no, I mean, I wasn't but…" she searched his face her eyes dancing from side to side quickly.

"But what?" he asked.

"But, that was before I told you." She finally stated.

"Kathryn, I don't understand, why would telling me make you change your mind?" he carefully took her hand into his.

This time she didn't recoil, she just looked up at him, "Because the look on your face made me think about how I really felt, and how you felt about it. I love you, and I do want to be in a relationship with you, but this." She pointed at her still very flat stomach, "this could change things completely. Also, I got to thinking, we're not in the Alpha Quadrant, I can't just give the baby away for adoption."

He looked at her, "why couldn't you?" he asked.

She looked down, tears were forming in her eyes, "well because, even if I did it'd still be here, a reminder of everything that happened, and everything that it stands for. I know it's not the baby's fault that it came into the world under contempt, but I don't know if I could…" she stopped and took a deep breath trying to calm herself, her eyes were burning and her throat felt extremely tight.

"Kathryn," he'd placed his hand on the side of her face wiping the tears away. "I know that you didn't want this baby, in fact I don't think there's a single person on this ship that would think any less of you if you killed it. I also think there wouldn't be a single person that would think that you shouldn't keep it if you decided too. Think of it light this, in a lot of ways Seska had done the same thing that happened to you to me, or so we thought. You supported me when I went to get my child, even though you're the one that has to carry it, the baby would still be accepted for who it is, your child."

She took a deep breath and nodded; she looked him deep in the eyes and leaned forward. She placed her lips onto his, he kissed her back gently, their first kiss it was sweet and timid nothing like she'd imagined it to be. She then held out her arms and he took the invitation to pull her into a hug, she nodded as she cried on his shoulder, "The Doctor wants an answer by tomorrow morning, which will give us tonight to think about it."

He nodded holding her tightly, "we'll talk more after dinner, but remember no matter what you choose I will support you and be there with you the entire way. He felt her grip tighten around him as she buried her head deeper into the crook of his neck. He just held onto her again letting her know how much he cared for her.


	9. Resolutions

Chapter Nine: Resolutions

-=/\=-

That night the decision that she had to make about the life growing inside her was made for her. It was just after dinner; Chakotay had prepared a wonderful dinner of vegetable soup and fresh biscuits. He'd watched her enjoy her meal, he avoided bring up the subject that they'd discussed in the ready room earlier that day. He didn't want to spoil her mood; she was actually in a decent one, the first in what seemed like ages.

Once he'd cleared the table he joined her on the couch, he offered her out a cup of coffee. She smiled as she took it. She was enjoying being next to him. She'd finally let him know how much she did care for him earlier in the day, and this had set her in a bit of a euphoria. "Thank you" she smiled as she took the warm cup into her hands. He watched her as she drank the warm liquid, the look of contentment on her face made him laugh slightly. She eyed him, "what?" she asked.

"Nothing, just the look on your face, Kathryn Janeway I dare say I think you're in love with that cup of coffee." He stated in a tone that reminded her of Tom.

"I am not." She sent back setting her face into a bit of a pout.

"You sure looked like you were," he joked back at her.

She placed the cup in discussion down on the coffee table, "and just how would you know what I look like when I'm in love?" she asked somewhat seductively. She seemed to have forgotten why she'd invited him back to her quarters in the first place. She had leaned forward towards him challenging him to answer her.

He was about too when the look on her face changed, she leaned back quickly on the couch and placed her hand on her abdomen just below her belly button. He grew very concerned as he heard her breath catch. "Kathryn what is it."

She swallowed and looked up at him, fear crossing her face, "I don't" she paused as the sensation returned, it at first wasn't painful but it soon built and felt like a really bad cramp. Once it passed she looked up at him, "I think I need to go to sickbay." She stated.

She attempted to stand but the pain came back, this time it shot all the way down her legs. He grabbed her by the shoulders as she doubled over in pain, a scream emanated from her mouth as tears filled her eyes. "Chakotay to Transporter room one beam the captain and I directly to sickbay," He stated. She was trying to catch her breath, as she hugged her legs. When the sensation of beam out didn't come he hit is combadge again. She was trying to cry out while the link was active for fear of scaring the poor person on duty. "Transporter room one!" he called in a frantic voice.

"I'm sorry commander but I can't, B'Elanna took the transporters off line for a diagnostic twenty minutes ago," came the voice of a female ensign.

"Thank you ensign," he closed the link and looked down at her, "can you make it to sickbay."

She shook her head no, "the bathroom, get me to the bathroom." She knew what was happening, and the feeling between her legs let her know that she'd better get to an area that would be easier to clean up. She could feel him support her as he helped her into the other room, once in the bathroom she quickly began removing her pants and undergarment.

Chakotay turned around, they'd not done anything and wanted to give her some privacy, he hit his combadge, "Commander Chakotay to the Doctor, Medical Emergency in the captain's quarters. The transporters are down."

"I'm on my way," the Doctor stated, he closed the link.

"Chakotay the towel," She said through gritted teeth. He handed it to her without looking she placed it on her lap to cover herself for his sake. She cried out as more pain shot through her. She reached up and grabbed his hand; he turned to her like she wanted. Her face said everything; she took a deep breath, "I guess we don't have to worry about this anymore."

The look on her face broke his heart, he knew then that she had decided to keep it. He just held tightly onto her hand while they waited for the Doctor to arrive. He knew there was nothing to be done, the only thing he could do was be there for her. The since of feeling hand long left his hand as she squeezed it to get past the pain she was feeling. Her breathing was heavy her hair was mused around her face and fell every which way. She was covered in sweat and she was completely red. He looked away from her only when he heard the Doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked before he was actually in the room, he stopped and quickly assessed what the issue was before they had to say anything. There wasn't enough room for the three of them in there so Chakotay dropped her hand.

She looked at him, "Chakotay!" She asked panic in her voice.

"I'm just in the way, I promise I won't leave I'll just be in the living room." She nodded her understanding as tears rolled down her cheeks.

As soon as Chakotay left the room the Doctor went to work, first trying to ease her pain. Then he addressed the rest of what was happening. They had been right, at this point there really wasn't anything that could be done to save the pregnancy, nor was he prepared to do so under the circumstances.

-=/\=-

Chakotay was pacing back and forth, it seemed like they'd been in her bedroom for hours. He wanted to be by her side to help her face what was going on but he knew there just wasn't enough room. He stopped and turned when he heard a sound. It was the Doctor, "how is she?"

The Doctor looked at him; he knew that he was aware that she'd been pregnant so he told him about her condition. "She's doing well under the circumstances; she's sleeping as of right now. She didn't want to go to sickbay, and there really isn't any medical reason for her to go. I was able to remove all of the tissues here, and aside from being sore and bleeding for the next week or so she should be fine."

Chakotay looked down, "do you know why she lost the baby?" he asked.

"As far as I can tell, she just wasn't compatible enough to carry it full term." He noted.

Chakotay took a deep breath, "thank you Doctor," he moved aside so the holographic man could make his way past him.

"Commander, I'd like her to come by sickbay in the morning, I do need to run some tests" he just nodded to him, "and commander, I suggest you get some sleep too, you look like hell." He stated just before he vanished behind the doors.

Chakotay walked into the bedroom, Kathryn lay sleeping soundly on her bed, the covers were tucked nicely around her and her hair which had been down was drawn up into a braid. He smiled, the Doctor always took such care to make sure everyone looked presentable, something that many Doctor's didn't seem to care about. He walked past her allowing her to sleep and checked the state the bathroom was in.

The Doctor had also cleaned up for her, something he was grateful that he'd done, that was the last thing Kathryn needed to be worried about. He was also thankful that he didn't need to do it for her. He walked back out of the bathroom and too her side. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead and turned to leave but felt something touch his arm. He looked back. "You're supposed to be sleeping." He whispered as he knelt down next to her. He couldn't resist placing his hand on her for head. His other held the hand that reached out to him.

She looked exhausted, very pale, and very shaken. "Stay with me?" she asked her voice trembling slightly. This was the first time she'd asked for him to stay with her in her bed.

He nodded, "of course," he let go of her and made his way to the other side of her bed and lay down next to her after he'd removed everything but his tank top and shorts. He nestled into the bed next to her and she turned into his embrace, she placed her head on his chest and closed her eyes. She was very warm pressed up against him and that warmth lulled her back to sleep quickly. Before he closed his eyes he placed a soft kiss atop her head and whispered, "I love you" before he closed his eyes and drifted off into the unconscious world.

-=/\=-

The feeling of being hit awoke him quickly; he opened his eyes and found that Kathryn was hitting him in the chest in her sleep. He sighed, she was having a nightmare. "Kathryn" he said sitting up and taking her upper arms and holding them close to her so she couldn't reach him. She was struggling in her sleep. "Kathryn" he said a bit louder.

She opened her eyes quickly, at first it was obvious she wasn't quite alert but soon the terrified expression left and her eyes focused on his face. She took a deep breath and moved away from him quickly, "Chakotay, I" she shuddered the feelings from the dream and the events that had happened just hours before taking over her.

He held out his arms and watched as she cautiously moved into them, "It's alright, it was just a dream." He said letting her snuggle into his arms.

She sighed into his neck, "I know, but it felt so real." She whispered.

"I know they sometimes do, but your safe and sound." He stroked her hair. As he felt her nod, she quieted down and soon her breathing became regular again. He thought she'd fallen asleep again. He just held onto her for a while longer and was about to lay her back down when she spoke again.

"Chakotay, thank you," Her words were almost unintelligible; her voice heavy with exhaustion.

"You don't need to thank me." He said in a reassuring manner.

She nodded against his shoulder, "thank you for always being there for me, even when I pushed you away, and for being there when I needed you most even if I couldn't see it, and thank you for waiting for me." She was almost asleep again, but she wanted to let him know how much she cared for him and appreciated what he did for her.

He closed his eyes for a moment letting what she said wash over him, he then placed a kiss on her hair, "Kathryn, I'll wait for you forever, and I'll never leave you." He said, he smiled though realizing that she probably hadn't heard what he'd said, a slight snore let him know that she'd once again had drifted off to the dream world.

-=/\=-

It was the next morning and Kathryn sat in her uniform on a biobed in Sickbay, Chakotay was next to her. The Doctor had just taken a bunch of scans of her but had not said she could go yet. She wanted to go, to get back to work, she needed to let everything that had happened dissipate into the past and move on. She was finally feeling like she could face the universe again, as long as Chakotay was by her side.

The Doctor came back into the room and looked at her, "well I don't think there has been any damage to your reproductive systems during all this, and before you ask, you wouldn't have been able to carry the fetus to term, I've done an in-depth analysis and your genetic makeups just weren't compatible enough to sustain life." He looked at her to let her know that she in no way caused the problem, and it would have been inevitable that it wouldn't have lived.

She nodded and looked at Chakotay who'd placed his hand on her shoulder. She turned back to the Doctor "Thank you very much." She then pushed herself off the biobed, "am I free to go?"

He nodded and stepped aside so she could pass him. She paused briefly before the doors opened and nodded to him in response, she then crossed the barrier to the outside world.

-=/\=-

As the command team walked she spoke, "I'd prefer if the crew didn't know about this." She stated no one else aside from them and the doctor knew about the pregnancy.

"I understand." He said as he stopped in front of the doors to the turbo lift.

She paused and looked up at him a smile crossing her face, "I appreciate everything that you've done for me. And, I hope that things will go smoother now." She stated.

"I do too." He stated back as he stepped into the lift, she followed. He took her hands into his, "Kathryn," he said knowing that in a few moments he'd have to call her captain.

"Yes?" she inquired, "there's a get together in the mess hall tonight, and I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me."

"I'd love to," she smiled. The lift doors closed, they were silent until just before the lift opened. "Chakotay," she said.

"Yes?" he set her a questioning look.

"I want what happened medically to stay between us; I think I'd love it if you would accompany me to the party as my date, not as a friend." She smiled at him.

He smiled broadly and said "Yes Ma'am" as the lift doors open. He watched as her smiling face quickly changed as she stepped out onto the bridge.

"Report" she called taking her stride to the lower deck of the bridge.

"We are traveling at warp eight point five heading towards the Alpha Quadrant, all systems nominal," Tom stated he turned back to look at her a smile playing on his lips as she took her seat. It was the first time since she'd been back on duty that she'd chosen to stay on the bridge. Chakotay took his seat next to her.

"Very good Mr. Paris, Mr. Kim, did we ever get that power fluctuation in the eps relays stabilized?" she looked back at him.

"Yes, Captain" he stated, "I'll have a full report on it by 1300 hours." He stated.

"Very good," she looked to Chakotay, "I'd like you to start the crew evaluations, I believe that it is that time of the year again?" she stated.

He nodded, "Of course Captain," he smiled as she nodded and turned her attention back to the view screen. She crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair. Though he knew Kathryn still had a long way to go to deal with everything that she'd gone through, the Captain was back, and for the crew that was the best news the ship would ever have.

-=/\=-

The End

A/N: I hope you enjoyed!


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